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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Forget Chuck... Here's to Riaan Cruywagen

Lest South Africa forget about its own hero, here's a reminder or two about our most famous news anchor! Thanks to the Warthogs cape town-based mtb mailing list...

Riaan Cruywagen never has his back to you.....or does he? His back is in
fact identical to his front courtesy of a large conjoined twin: Tiaan
Cruywagen. (This creepy duo is what Ridley Scott used as a reference for
a character in Mad Max called Master Blaster.)

Riaan Cruywagen is fluent in twenty seven of the eleven official
languages.

Riaan Cruywagen knows the news before it happens.

Riaan Cruywagen knew you would say that.

Riaan Cruywagen is cryogenically frozen every night for EXACTLY eight
hours. His brain impulses are monitored during this and used as
templates for deciphering elaborate ancient manuscripts.

Riaan Cruywagen had a telekinetic showdown with Johan Stemmet. After
draining all of Stemmet's powers and rendering him severely retarded, he
created Noot vir Noot and made Stemmet the host.

Some people believe Riaan Cruywagen wears a toupee - he has, in fact,
one perfect hair. The one that covers his entire head - giving it that,
'not quite real' look. Riaan himself is not quite real.

Riaan Cruywagen was the original model for Michelangelo's statue of
David. Unfortunately, that was in the early years of Michelangelo's
career and he wasn't yet artistically mature enough to capture the
Cruywagen essence. He nearly drove himself mad with frustration until
eventually he decided to settle for his number 2 choice of model in
Chuck Norris who was only 3 years old when he posed for Michelangelo.

One night during an ad break on the 8 o'clock news, Riaan Cruywagen
mentioned to the makeup lady that he was 'tired of this apartheid
nonsense'. Nelson Mandela was released from prison the next day.

Riaan Cruywagen wasn't born, he thought himself into existence.

The only man made object visible (with the unaided eye) from space is
the Great Wall of China. Riaan Cruywagen can see the Muir Space station
with his 'unaided eye'.

Riaan Cruywagen is omnipresent

Riaan Cruywagen never blinks; if he does the entire world would just not
happen for that split second.

When Sir Edmund Hillary reached the summit of Mount Everest, he was
welcomed by Riaan Cruywagen, who briefly interviewed him, before wiring
the information through to the SAUK.

The SAUK is actually a front for a secret society of Swiss Bankers who
manipulate the world's economy, and is chaired by non other than his
most Worshipful Master, Riaan Cruywagen.

In binary code the word "Riaan Cruywagen" looks like the shroud of
Turin.

When he was three Riaan Cruywagen successfully reinvented the wheel.

For his second birthday party he entertained guests by coming up with
the first highly successful prototype.

Riaan Cruywagen will never die. His soul gets transferred to another
identical body via various arcane rituals and current nano-technology
thrice fortnightly.

Bruce Willis' character in Die Hard is based on the unpublished
autobiography written by Riaan Cruywagen at the age of 15.

Riaan Cruywagen is an accomplished author and poet - though, humble by
nature, he chooses not to write under his own title but prefers to go by
pseudonyms such as W. Whitman, E. Hemingway, Proust, JD Salinger and G
Chaucer - amongst others.

Riaan Cruywagen's first job was tutoring Pythagoras.

After reading the news Riaan Cruywagen built the pyramids. It took
precisely 17 minutes to draw up the plans and then a further six minutes
to think them into existence.

4 Comments:

Blogger Stanley said...

Ha ha ha, just came across this.
Riaan is a legend.

5:45 pm

 
Blogger victoire said...

@stanley: :) heh heh heh... man i can still remember when he used to do the news! legendary indeed...

5:03 pm

 
Blogger Shaun said...

He STILL does the news!
Afrikaans news.

7:23 am

 
Blogger victoire said...

@shaun: heh heh... that's right! I saw him on tv and nearly fell off the couch... :D

1:41 pm

 

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