parlez vous victoire?

Sunday, October 23, 2005

why am i...

It is a beautifully blustery day, with a hint of chill in the wind. It’s been a fine weekend for writing my paper, but I cannot concentrate... cannot focus on the “formal performance appraisal system”... urgh... blech... I have no interest in this paper... where did the passion and excitement go? I think it’s because I feel so alone in the world right now. I’d rather be participating in life, right here, right now... although I have discovered through my hours of introspection, that that’s half my problem... too impulsive, got to have it now, got to do it now. Got to watch the leafy billowing outside my window... I hate loneliness... the feeling of loneliness. But I have to get used to it, have to learn how to deal with it. I mean this is probably why I’ve jumped recklessly into relationships with guys that are wrong for me... I don’t want to be alone. And because of that, I have to be alone. I must learn to wait, be patient. Does any of this make sense? Mmmm... now would be the moment to write yet another dark and brooding poem. Why am I... here. It is my fault though. I could’ve gone through this process years ago. I should’ve, I knew I should’ve, but the pain of the moment was too great for me to look towards the joys in the future... Perhaps because I was such a wistful child, letting life pass me by, I so much more want to grab it by its horns now... don’t let the opportunity pass you by, remember all you could’ve experienced when you were younger, but didn’t because you were living in your dream world... blah. All I can say is that life has not turned out the way I dreamed... I want to create new ones.

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